I grew up seeing passive aggressiveness as a way to avoid conflict, yet it did the opposite. Often the denial of being angry caused someone else to blow up in frustration. Interestingly, that person looked like the bad guy, while the passive aggressive person looked like the victim. For me, holding in my expression of anger caused illness in my early twenties. This helped me begin a healing journey of empowerment and assertiveness.
Anger
Everyone feels anger, as it is a part of the human condition. Anger can be from a person’s hurt, insecurity, fear, jealousy, guilt or annoyance towards you. Passive aggressiveness can be difficult to identify when you don’t see it for what it is, repressed anger. This type of person avoids conflict like the plague. When they feel a hint of anger, this type of person will deny it to the hills. They will not take ownership or responsibility for these feelings.
The 90/10 Rule
I am connected to a lot of positive people, who I love. 90% of them are authentic, meaning they walk their talk. There are the 10% who do not. For those who are passive aggressive; bless them, let them go, and let them be. The lesson is watch what people do, not what they say. Bill Eddy LCSW wrote about this 90/10 rule, when describing high conflict behaviors, which includes passive aggressiveness. (I have included his book link at the end of this post if you would like to learn more.)
The Behavioral Patterns to Watch For
If you are on the receiving end of any of these behavioral patterns, it feels infuriating. Getting stuck in this cycle of conflict causes many people to give up because they feel drained, confused, angry and guilty. Sound familiar? Compassionate people often absorb other people’s emotions. The best way to deal with this type of energy is to disengage temporarily and re-center yourself.
The first step to healing is to gain clarity on this behavior. Remember, how another person acts is not personal. Their reactions stem from covert anger and a lack of healthy communication skills. End these five behaviors listed below with a side order of a smile. The reason for this is you will often see a person denying their anger while smiling. It is good to have a little humor when dealing with difficult people, plus this will help you remember the communication dynamic at work.
1.) Vagueness– They keep you on the hook. Since this type of personality lacks boundaries and assertiveness they will not give you a clear answer. You may hear these words; maybe and I don’t know. 🙂
2.) Silent treatments- If this type of a person does not get their way; they will sulk and withdraw. When you ask what is wrong, they will reply “nothing” or give you silence. 🙂
3.) Not showing up or showing up consistently late– They keep you waiting one way or another. 🙂
4.) Carrying out a task inefficiently or they procrastinate- When you ask a request of them, they tell you they will do it, yet never follow through. If they do the task, it is half of what you asked. When you confront them, they looked puzzled as to why you are so upset. 🙂
5.) Giving little digs- In the middle of a perfectly normal conversation, this person will slide in something hurtful in a vague, seemingly benign way. Their anger often comes out as sarcasm. 🙂
For more ways to cope with passive aggressive behavior; read this blog : How to Successfully Deal with Passive Aggressive Behavior
You can learn more about high conflict personalities and behaviors in this book: 5 Types of People who can Ruin Your Life by Bill Eddy, LCSW
Lisa Hutchison LMHC is the Amazon bestselling author of I Fill My Cup: A Journal for Compassionate Helpers and the kindle book Setting Ethical Limits for Caring & Competent Professionals. Lisa is a licensed psychotherapist and writing coach who helps sensitive souls not just survive but shine.
Pick up her FREE gift 8 Simple Things That Release Chaos from Your Life Now! at http://www.lisahutchison.net
I’ve seen this many many times. Thank you for posting.
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You are welcome Heather Maria
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Thank you Lisa, I have experienced much of what you speak of here.. And in because of the nature of my childhood, Anger had always surrounded me, So walking away from anger and situations had been my way of coping.. But it all has to come out sooner or later, and holding in these emotions does make us ill, as we both have found out..
Thank you for your valuable insight Lisa..
We do need to address them and understand them better. ❤
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You are welcome Sue. I have had to learn my own anger is not to be feared but listened to. It is a signal something within or around me needs to change. It is best to wait until cooler heads prevail before acting. There are certain types of anger, however, we all need to walk away from as those can be a danger to our health. Thanks for your thoughts. xx
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Agreed.. and much love your way ❤
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I try to share this knowledge with my grandkids when they complain about how some of their friends treat them. I remind them that it’s not personal. It’s about what’s going on with the other kids, not them
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Very true Barb, it isn’t personal. It is important to keep a safe distance from people who willingly or unwillingly hurt us again and again.
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I see passive aggressive behavior as a form of gaslighting. My radar is so cued in these days, I refuse to allow them to poison my core. Thank you for sharing
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You are welcome Laura. Gaslighting is a little different from passive aggressiveness in that it is used on purpose as a manipulation to gain power or control. It is calculated whereas the passive aggressive person is merely avoiding conflict. Passive aggressiveness and gaslighting overlap in feelings of confusion, denial and a lack of responsibility for their behavior.
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I’ve witnessed these types of passive aggressive behavior in the past and the one that I hated the most was the snarky comment type , Lisa. Fortunately like yourself the company I keep have a positive approach to life. Though I have been known to call out such behavior by telling the other person I would not participate in their game. 🙂
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Those little digs can come out of left field sometimes, Vatsala. Awareness is important to not take the bait and to assert ourselves. Thanks for your comment.
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Wonderful insight, Lisa. I recognize a few of those traits from past relationships. Thank you for making a difference in the lives of others and helping us to live a healthier life.
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Thank you Cindy for telling me that. It is my pleasure to share my therapeutic knowledge.
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Thank you Lisa for sharing your wisdom and experience related to passively aggressive people and how to effectively deal with them. I once lived with someone who was passive aggressive and it was extremely stressful and hurtful. Thankfully I no longer have any of those folks in my life.
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You are welcome Pamela. It is very stressful and hurtful to be around this type of energy, I am grateful to hear you are no longer around it.
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Oh yes and I like that now I have few of those people in my life. xxx
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Be aware Suzie and take care. I am glad this blog has been helpful to you.
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I think we are taught so early on that anger in unacceptable that many people can develop this behavior, IMHO way more than 10%. Teaching people that it is ok to be angry and express their anger and other “negative” emotions in non destructive ways is important at any stage of our development.
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Yes, there is an imbalance as to how anger is expressed in our society, Rachel. I tend to go with the 10%. I understand when you encounter a few people who are difficult personalities it is often so intense, it can feel as if the number is greater. I tend to believe there are a whole lot more healthy people in this world then we think, although they often do not get the attention that others do.
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Great article! In terms of conflict resolution, being passive in order to avoid a conflict is very common. It’s about survival, especially if you were raised in an environment where women’s needs were put second to a man’s or confrontation could lead to violence. Being assertive instead is about creating win/win solutions which benefit everyone and help you to serve your needs as well as the other persons. Thank you for sharing!
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You are welcome. Survival tactics are necessary to get us through an abusive situation. Long-term these behaviors can prevent people from having the healthy relationships they desire. Thanks for stopping in to comment and share your thoughts.
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