Why do we care when a celebrity dies?

I felt unsettled and upset when I heard Luke Perry died, at the age of fifty-two, from a severe stroke. Logically, I knew I didn’t know him and have never met him, but I felt a sense of loss. Being a licensed psychotherapist, I know it is normal to feel sadness and even to grieve a celebrity’s death. Often times, their death triggers an earlier unresolved loss within ourselves. When you are not aware of this, your original grief can get transferred onto a particular celebrity.

A reflection of your own life

Shortly after hearing the news, I grabbed a pen and notebook. On the page, I spilled out a deep sadness which connected to my own personal experience. My Mom died after having two severe strokes. Each stroke happened without warning and left a path of devastation. Not only did these strokes change my Mom’s life, but also the entire family. Relationships once repaired were now ruptured again. This happened seven and a half years ago, I am still sifting through the rubble.

I know how a severe stroke touches all family members and in very different ways. I have empathy for the shock and emotional pain the family faces from such a sudden loss. Unlike Luke Perry, my Mom lived five months longer before her second severe stroke and heart attack. Again, there was no warning and this stroke left her unresponsive. 

Reminds you of your own mortality  

When a celebrity is close to your own age at the time of their death, it is only natural you begin to think of your own life. Luke Perry is close to my own age. Having multiple family members die young, this death reminds me of how fragile life is and of my own mortality.

A connection to your past

Most of you can connect actors or singers with special times in your life. Whether it was a song, a TV show or movie, it became a part of the important milestone you experienced.

I grew up watching Luke Perry on the TV show Beverly Hills 90210, every week. I often viewed the show with a group of girlfriends throughout high school. We would gather at one house, with snacks and hushed voices, hanging on every word. The tradition continued in college. A group of us met in my dorm room huddled around the TV. The door to our room would be left open because it was hot in there. You could hear all the way down the hallway the same show being broadcasted. A part of my young adult life is now gone, along with many past relationships with the girls. As, you can see there can be multiple levels of grieving that occur.

A sense of community with your grief

I am not one to share on social media how a celebrity death affects me, although I have written this blog post. Many people find comfort posting about their celebrity crushes and connecting about the loss. Often grief is a solitary activity, you don’t have to feel alone in today’s world. You can see how other people care about the celebrity’s death as much as you do and bond together.

An opportunity to heal

Although you may never know the celebrity you grieve for, their passing can be a trigger to your own emotional wounds. In their death, unknowingly, they offer you an opportunity to look in the mirror and heal past pain.

Lisa Hutchison LMHC is the Amazon bestselling author of I Fill My Cup: A Journal for Compassionate Helpers and the kindle book Setting Ethical Limits for Caring & Competent Professionals. Lisa is a licensed psychotherapist and writing coach who helps sensitive souls not just survive but shine. Pick up her FREE gift 8 Simple Things That Release Chaos from Your Life Now!  at http://www.lisahutchison.net

 

 

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4 Easy Ways to Refill Your Cup

How do you recharge and rejuvenate your energies after a long day caring for others? 

I spent many days coming home from work, exhausted on the couch. I would tune out from my hectic day by switching on the TV. Weekends were spent much the same way with the dreaded Sunday afternoon and night thinking, I have to go back to work. I didn’t see a way out of this pattern.

My body began to break down. I became sick and tired physically, mentally and spiritually. I hit my rock bottom with this way of living and decided; enough is enough. I did research, consulted healers, found what depleted my energy and what rejuvenated it. Things began to turn around when I learned how to fill my cup.

1. Become aware

This takes some time and practice, as the society we live in does not support introspection. I recently heard; why are introverts told to speak up yet extroverts are not told to listen more? The point is you cannot change who you are. Whether you are introverted, extroverted or a combination known as ambivert, each energy is needed to create the beautiful world we live in.

Learn what kind of personality you have and become mindful of your present moment. When you witness what is happening within your body and around you, you become empowered to make healthier choices about your energy.

2. Learn how to identify and put your experience into words

Many helpers are outwardly focused on how others feel. Often you ask; what can I do to make you feel better? In order to refill, you need to turn some of that compassionate focus around.

You cannot solve a problem, you cannot name. Sometimes you don’t even know what questions to ask yourself to turn this problem around. I had this issue when I was stuck in the work-fatigue cycle. Start to journal each day, even briefly. This helps you connect within and write out what you are thinking and feeling. You can speak it, but there is a power in seeing your truth in the written word.

3. Plan to protect your energy

As a compassionate helper, it is important to learn how to protect your energies from people, places and situations. There are numerous ways to do this. Once you find what works for you, implement these strategies into your schedule each day.

4. Find ways to maintain your energy

What gives you energy and fuels your passion? Look at what is working in your life. These activities and people will help you rejuvenate your energies.

Lastly, learn about and buy this new Amazon bestseller I Fill My Cup: A Journal for Compassionate Helpers. 

Whether you are feeling disconnected and depleted or are already connected and looking for new ways to increase your energy awareness, this journal provides lots of easy ways to recharge and rejuvenate your energy. Filled with helpful suggestions, writing prompts and space to journal your thoughts, you will generate problem solving for this common issue many helpers face.

Here’s what inside:

How to Use this Journal

The Energy Scale

Are you an Ambivert, Extrovert or Introvert?

Writing Prompts

Plans to Protect or Rejuvenate Your Energy

Ways to Maintain Your Energy

Plus, you get ten to eleven weeks of space to journal and record your observations.

This makes a great gift for friends, family and other loved ones, of course do not forget to include yourself!

BUY yours first and then get one for a friend on Amazon.com

Lisa Hutchison LMHC is the bestselling author of I Fill My Cup: A Journal for Compassionate Helpers, a licensed psychotherapist and writing coach. She specializes in working with professionals who often get drained from their helping efforts, recharge and rejuvenate their energies. Lisa’s psychological advice has been featured in Reader’s Digest and The Huffington Post. http://www.lisahutchison.net

7 Relationship Warning Signs to be Aware Of

There have been numerous people in my life who have acted abusively. They have prevented relationships from continuing, controlled finances, hurt people I love and myself. It has been a long time since I have lived with a person who acted like this. As a result of these past experiences and my personality, I have no filter around this type of behavior when I witness it. Today, I am left out of relationships because of my speaking out about other’s control.

I write this blog in the hopes some one will read it and either prevent themselves from being abused or leave an abusive situation. Although, it does hurt to be excluded, I have a much happier life than I could ever imagine. Life does get better when you create distance between yourself and this type of behavior.

Relationship Imperfection

No one has the perfect relationship. It is through our connections with others we heal emotional wounds and grow spiritually. There are certain warning signs to be aware of in relationships that cross the line into unhealthy interactions. Trust what your body is telling you when your mind is confused. If the relationship you are in leaves you feeling exhausted, confused, helpless, hopeless, overwhelmed, angry or anxious on a regular basis, seek out support. Whether you begin with a licensed psychotherapist or a trusted confidante, find someone who is comfortable, safe and stable to share your experiences with.

It’s all roses

Every new relationship goes through a honeymoon phase, where everything feels wonderful. Oxytocin, the cuddle hormone is flowing. You feel seen, loved and acknowledged. As in all phases, this too must end. In a healthy relationship, there is a period of adjustment in which you accept the other person’s perceived flaws. In an unhealthy relationship, the partner sees these human imperfections and attempts to change you into who he or she wants.

Some of the warning signs:

1. Isolation– Your partner wants to be the center of your world. You are told specifically or it is implied to not have relationships with certain people.

2. No boundaries or space- Your partner takes up all or a majority of your time. He or she decides where you will go and who you will hang out with. When you spend time with others without your partner, you receive numerous texts, calls and messages from them. They say it is because they love you but it is a way to keep tabs on you, as a reminder of their presence.

3. You don’t engage in your hobbies or interests- Your partner decides which activities are important, not what is important to you. He or she discourages any event, unless they are a part of it.

4. The put downs- You are criticized on everything from how you look, to how you think and do things. Pretty soon you question your own judgment and abilities. This self esteem damage leads to learned helplessness where a person feels he or she can’t leave the relationship.

5. They make you dependent upon them- This can be done through controlling your finances or you depend upon them physically to take care of you. Some people create a psychological dependency in which you need to ask their permission to do anything.

6. Threats- Be aware of emotional manipulations such as; If you don’t_________, I will __________.  When there is an increase in arguments and conflict, abuse quickly escalates. Just one past instance of violence, sexually or physically, can give you the feeling you need to walk on eggshells. Remember, one instance of physical, sexual or emotional violence is not okay, ever.

7. You are love bombed again and again. After a period of abuse there is a return to a honeymoon phase. You will hear apologies and promises, yet nothing changes. This time you want to believe it will be better and different because this is the part of the relationship you love. The problem is, this stage does not last and soon it returns to more abuse.

There is hope and there is help. If you are in an abusive relationship:

The National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7/365 at 1-800-799-7233  

National Sexual Assault Hotline   1-800-656-4673

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline 1-866-331-9474 or 1-866-331-8453 (TTY)

National Child Abuse Hotline 1-800-422-4453

National Center on Elder Abuse

Other blogs with similar topics:

How to Stop Being Controlled and Get Empowered

Why Narcissists Overreact When They Don’t Get Their Way

How to Recognize Manipulation & Protect Your Energy

How to Successfully Deal with Passive Aggressive Behavior

Lisa Hutchison LMHC is the Amazon bestselling author of Setting Ethical Limits: For Caring and Competent Professionals. Lisa is a licensed psychotherapist, who has created a unique program to help compassionate people, who get emotionally, physically and spiritually drained; rejuvenate and protect their energies. Get her FREE Gift 8 Simple Things That Release Chaos from Your Life Now! 

5 Ways Expressive Arts Heal Unexpressed Pain

 “Art can permeate the very deepest part of us, where no words exist.” 
― Eileen Miller, The Girl Who Spoke with Pictures: Autism Through Art

Expressive art therapy combines creativity with psychotherapy. It feels fun, yet is a deep form of healing for people who can’t put their emotional pain into the spoken word. Creative methods help people process post traumatic stress, grief, and terminal or chronic medical conditions. It can help anyone decrease depression and anxiety. Expressive art therapy is most effective when the client has an interest in creativity and you work with a licensed psychotherapist, who has knowledge of expressive art therapy techniques.

What is expressive art?

Expressive art is any type of creative activity (painting, writing, singing, dancing) in which you experience a decrease in symptoms, such as anxiety or depression. Its purpose is to shift emotions, in order to process them. Unlike traditional art, expressive art it is not about making a pretty picture. Although, you can end up with a beautiful piece of art in the end. Here your focus is on the process, not the finished product.

5 Ways Expressive Arts Heal Unexpressed Pain

Art holds a space for transformation to take place. You are in control of how much you express and when. If the process feels too overwhelming, put the art aside. Together, with your therapist, you decide when to re-enter the work. The page, paper or room where art is created, holds the space for you without judgment, as a therapist does in any talk psychotherapy session. This safe place for healing, allows you to open up, connect, and accept the pain inside. When you allow yourself the space and freedom to express creatively, healing takes place no matter what type of art modality you choose.

Relaxes and opens you to new possibilities. Play is important for everyone, not just young kids. Expressive art gives you a chance to have fun and let go. Think back to a time, when you were caught up in the moment of creation. You experienced a sense of timelessness or an expanded sense of time. Afterwards, many of you asked, “Where did the time go?” You returned to this moment, renewed and refreshed. This type of surrendering to spirit is when the most healing happens.

Helps you process terminal and chronic illnesses. It is difficult to connect with emotions when you are in physical pain. No matter how ill you are, you have the power of your imagination. It is common to experience anxiety and depression with any form of illness, including chronic pain. “The Expressive Arts, including painting, sculpture, music, dance, and literature, can bring joy, pleasure, and laughter to patients and staff in medical settings, qualities often in short supply. Making art or hearing music reminds us that no matter how ill or busy we are, we can always tap into the magic of our imagination. This frees patients from being just “the cancer patient in bed 4,” passive with no power, to the person who has cancer who still also has an imagination, a creative spark. This spark can be utilized to tell her story, imagine her healing, aid in her recovery” (Heath, 2005).

Heals Trauma. After a tragic event, people feel overwhelmed. Their nervous system reacts in one of three ways; fight, flight or freeze mode, releasing various stress hormones. When these chemicals don’t reset after a trauma, it changes the actual physical structures in the brain. The good news is with treatment these structures can be restored. Creative arts helps clients who have adversity, process these unspeakable experiences and organize them within the brain. Art helps contain these emotions and break them down into mentally digestible pieces. People find healing by telling their story in a different way, which reduces trauma symptoms.

Contains the Devastation of Grief and Loss. Often after a death, it is difficult to put your experience into words. Art gives you a safe place to express all of your feelings after a loss; whether it is anger, sadness, bargaining, depression, or acceptance. This process is also helpful when facing denial, as it helps you take in a small portion of the pain to work through at a time. There is no judgement with art; no one tells you to get over your loss or move on. Often through art, one not only heals but also finds a way to keep their loved one’s memory alive.

Reference: Creating Connections between Nursing Care and the Creative Arts Therapies: Expanding the Concept of Holistic Care by Carole-Lynne Le Navenec, Laurel Bridges (2005)   Chapter 7 The Spark of Creativity: Expressive Arts in a Hospital Setting by Wende Heath. 

Lisa Hutchison LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist with over fifteen years experience in counseling and nine years of experience using expressive art techniques. She specializes in working with professionals who often get drained from their helping efforts, giving them the tools and support to recharge and rejuvenate their energies. Get her free gift here a 10 page E-book: 8 Simple Things That Release Chaos from Your Life Now!  

How to Stop Being Controlled & Get Empowered

At some point in your life, you have felt controlled by another person or event. Growing up, I witnessed some people passively going along with the controlling actions of others. I knew it could be different. I tried to change the situation, which left me exhausted, upset and reactive. I did what many well-meaning helpers do; I tried to control the control. As you guessed it, it did not help at all.

As I grew into mid-life, I learned how to detach and speak up for myself with assertiveness training. This doesn’t mean I let go perfectly. I have moments of stress, anger and fear. The difference is I visit these emotional states but I do not live in them. I do not allow a controlling person or situation to take up space in my head for too long. You can learn how to live in peace and happiness, despite what others do or do not do.

Are you victorious or a victim?

The decision to be controlled lies within each one of us, you can choose to be victorious or a victim. In the most dire of situations; prison camps, slavery, illness, politics, natural disasters, abuse etc. people have chosen to keep their thoughts positive and hopeful. No matter what situation you are facing, you can learn how to let go of controlling behaviors.

How to Stand in Your Power:

“Don’t put the key to your happiness in someone else’s pocket – keep it in your own.”- Elizabeth Gilbert (Author; Eat, Pray, Love)

1.) Avoid Reacting. The controlling person wants a reaction, do not give her one. She is trying to get into your head and have the upper hand. You cannot control what another person does, but you can choose your response. To be truly empowered is to learn how to stand, breath and pause when you feel triggered (angry, depressed, guilty, scared or upset). Become neutral, like Spock from Star Trek.

2.) Have Empathy for the Person. Their behavior is not personal. It comes from a deep feeling of insecurity and low self-esteem. People who act controlling may look confident, yet they have a lot of fear. Remember: Understanding them does not excuse unacceptable behavior.

3.) Know Your Boundaries. You deserve to be treated respectfully.  Here is a Personal Bill of Rights from The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook. I highly recommend this book if you struggle with anxiety dealing with the world or in relationship with others.

1. I have the right to ask for what I want.
2. I have the right to say no to requests or demands I can’t meet.
3. I have the right to express all of my feelings, positive or negative.
4. I have the right to change my mind.
5. I have the right to make mistakes and not have to be perfect.
6. I have the right to follow my own standards.
7. I have the right to say no to anything when I feel I am not ready, it is unsafe, or it violates my values.
8. I have the right to determine my own priorities.
9. I have the right not to be responsible for others’ behavior, actions, feelings, or problems.
10. I have the right to expect honesty from others.
11. I have the right to be angry at someone I love.
12. I have the right to be uniquely myself.
13. I have the right to feel scared and say “I’m scared.”
14. I have the right to say “I don’t know.”
15. I have the right not to give excuses or reasons for my behavior.
16. I have the right to make decisions based on my feelings.
17. I have the right to my own needs for personal space and time.
18. I have the right to be playful and frivolous.
19. I have the right to be healthier than those around me.
20. I have the right to be in a non-abusive environment.
21. I have the right to make friends and be comfortable around people.
22. I have the right to change and grow.
23. I have the right to have my needs and wants respected by others.
24. I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
25. I have the right to be happy.

4.) Be Clear About Your Limits. Those who control want you to get accustomed to their expectations and way of living, rather than they become flexible by giving and receiving. Where are you going to draw the line? You have the power to decide what behavior is acceptable and unacceptable to you.

5.) Limit Your Time with Them. You need to protect your energy. Make an honest assessment and take a hard look at your life. What is your need to stay or be around this type of energy? Take steps to be around this person less and less.

Remember:

“No one can control you without your consent.”- Walt Disney (Co-founder; The Walt Disney Company)

Lisa Hutchison LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist and writing coach. She specializes in working with professionals who often get drained from their helping efforts, recharge and rejuvenate their energy. Pick up her FREE 10 page E-book 8 Simple Things That Release Chaos from Your Life Now!  

You may also be interested in Lisa’s MP3 meditation Renew and Heal: Releasing the Chaos Meditation. 

Learn How Meditation Makes You a Better Writer

Everyone has a story to tell, but not everyone can tell their story. Writer’s block prevents many people from writing and sharing their stories. You either don’t know where to begin or get hung up in the middle of the writing process. I know how difficult it can be to establish and maintain a consistent writing routine. I have found as a writer and writing coach, one sure-fire way to get the creative juices flowing is to practice meditation.

My story

Meditation has saved my sanity as an empath and writer. It helps me let go of other people’s energy and reconnects me to my soul. Without meditation, I experience writer’s block, feel anxious, depressed and overwhelmed. I am inspired, passionate, and creative, when I slow down, relax the body and release excess energy.

The Benefits of Meditation for Writer’s:

1.) Releases you from the Dreaded Grip of Writer’s Block. Did you know writer’s block develops when your brain is overwhelmed and engulfed by too many ideas? It is the abundance of stimuli, not the lack of ideas at the root of this issue. This excessive input is what causes your brain to freeze and stop.

Writer’s block can also be the result of post traumatic stress. When the brain experiences a traumatic event, it switches into the fight, flight or freeze response. This survival mechanism works great in a life threatening situation. The problem begins when the brain gets stuck in this mode after the trauma has past. When your brain operates from these types of functions, it can not access creativity. If you have this kind of creative block, feel free to practice meditation, as it can help. In order to heal, seek out a trained psychotherapist who has knowledge of expressive arts, writing and post traumatic stress.

A meditation practice will begin to thaw the frozen brain. It allows the racing thoughts to slow down enough for you to consciously choose which ones to focus on. When you identify the individual fear, you can process and let it go. This is when your inspiration will start to flow.

2.) Connects you to Your Inner Voice. Often empathic artists shut down their  connection within as an attempt to cope with an emotionally, chaotic world. The result is an empty page or screen. Instead of being creative, you feel fatigued, irritable and impatient because you have a story inside yearning to be told. It is no fun being a blocked creative.

Meditation decreases overwhelm and increases your coping skills. When the busy thoughts slow down; your mind, body and spirit settles. This allows you to connect deeply within. Listen to your heart and soul. Write down each message you receive and you will be led on your writer’s journey.

3.) Improves your Concentration. When you let go of fear, stress and responsibility, your focus will improve with a meditation practice. You become an observer of your thoughts through the practice of detachment. Mindfulness allows you to experience this present moment. You are not stuck in a fearful future or the regrets of the past. With this clarity, you will establish and achieve your writing goals.

When you are connect within to spirit, listen to your inner voice and practice your writing goals, you become a better writer.

I am honored to have written, recorded and created this MP3 for writers like you.

Are you blocked with your writing or looking for new ways to keep the creative juices flowing? Release those fears and get motivated to write. In The Writer’s Meditation: A Guided Journey to Creativity & Spirit  Lisa Hutchison LMHC helps you open to your creative flow and connect with spirit. Get the tools you need to write easily and effortlessly with each 20 minute journey.

Music: “Temple of Healing Love by Thaddeus.”  Used with permission

Buy your MP3 copy today here: The Writer’s Meditation: A Guided Journey of Creativity & Spirit. 

Now more than ever, compassionate writers like you have a desire to express your authentic voice. Writing helps heal yourself and others. You have a message inside, won’t you share it?

Enjoy this meditation!

Lisa Hutchison LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist, writing coach and a contributing writer for two Chicken Soup for the Soul Books. She teaches creative writing classes throughout Massachusetts, offering in person and by phone writing coaching sessions. Her psychological advice has been featured in Reader’s Digest and The Huffington Post. http://www.lisahutchison.net 

 

Why Narcissists Overreact When They Don’t Get Their Way

Narcissistic and empathic people are sensitive over feelers. Unlike an empathic person,  a narcissist lacks compassion and pushes his or her negative feelings outward onto others, whereas empaths tend to be understanding and hold back their expression.

The narcissists’ focus is protecting their ego at all costs. Their over inflated ego often gets easily bruised because everything is personal to them, whether it is or not. I have had my struggles with narcissistic people as many of you have. Today, I mostly have compassion for them because they do not feel joy or love from their heart center and this is an empty way to live.

My personal background

I grew up with a narcissist, met many others along the road of life and still interact with a few. I learned everything revolves around them. I could not make any of them happy unless I gave up my values and beliefs, which I refuse to do.

Even those who sacrifice their happiness for the narcissist, never succeed. I am here to tell you, this is not a failure on your part. The truth is narcissists are miserable people. When they feel powerless, their focus is on their negative thoughts, jealousies, and insecurities.

A narcissistic personality does not want to hear any opinion contrary to theirs and they love giving unsolicited advice. This is where I have had problems because I speak up and voice my opinion in an assertive way. To the narcissist, any opposition or conflict is aggressive to them no matter how gently you present it. When you have to assert yourself, do it in a way you can hold your head up high because they will never be happy with you.

An inability to sit with negative thoughts

A narcissist often overreacts because he or she cannot sit with any negative feeling longer than a second or two. Instead, they push their thoughts out and project them onto a targeted person. The result is you feel uncomfortable and upset being on the receiving end of one of their tirades. Remember, this is their stuff!

Please note their feelings are not more painful or special than any other person on this Earth. It is their inability to sit and process that fuels their overreactions. In order to heal and grow, you need the ability to sit, pause and process feelings/thoughts. This is how everyone regulates emotions. If you cannot sit with a feeling/thought for more than a second, you will never be able to take ownership of it or responsibility.

A person with narcissistic traits (someone who does not met the full criteria for narcissistic personality diagnosis) could learn to sit with their feelings if they were highly motivated and aware. It is rare for a narcissist to attend therapy unless their spouse, someone in their family or their employer is giving them an ultimatum to do so. Once the narcissist is in the therapy office, he or she will make everyone else at fault because of their inability to take responsibility for feelings, thoughts and actions. This is why I work with the people who have been affected by a narcissistic personality because the narcissist rarely changes.

Insecurity-Their inferiority complex

At first, you may not see the seething rage and insecurity beneath because a narcissist is full of praise. They seem confident with their highly charismatic personalities and draw people to them easily. This is how many people, including myself have been fooled.

If they feel you can be useful to them, they will love you. You will become their hero and they will sing your praises from the rooftops. As soon as you set boundaries or disagree with their opinion, you are in for a mighty fall. I have been on both sides of the equation.

Here you are, now their enemy and the insults and little digs begin. This passive aggressive behavior is destructive over time and will drain you of energy. Professionals, like myself, recommend staying away from these personalities or at least minimizing your exposure to them. If you have to be around them, take everything they say with a grain of salt.

Jealousy-Their Green Eyed Monster

If a narcissist notices you are happy he or she will come at you full force, especially if you are on their sh** list. They will try to tear you down by dragging your name through the mud to anyone and everyone who will listen. In a struggle to regain your power, you may shoot back verbally. They can dish out insults but cannot take them. When they rage, pout or give you a silent treatment, this is when their ego feels most injured and their victim side emerges. At this point, they will seek out their allies or enablers asking them; why does she hate me? I didn’t do anything to her!

If you are in a relationship personally or professionally with a narcissist, protect your energies and seek your own psychological help. You can not change their outbursts. You can empower yourself by changing your own behavior and energy.

Lisa Hutchison LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist and writing coach who works with empaths and artists. She helps professionals who often get drained from their helping efforts, recharge and rejuvenate their energies. Pick up her FREE gift 8 Simple Things That Release Chaos From Your Life Now here.