Why narcissists avoid you and your boundaries

One surefire way to know if you are dealing with a narcissistic personality is to set a boundary. If the person has an angry outburst or gives you the silent treatment, that is your answer. People who are mentally healthy keep the lines of communication open, respect and honor other’s limits.

What is a narcissistic personality?

In a nut shell, a person with a narcissistic personality disorder has an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for excessive attention and admiration, relationships problems, and a lack of empathy for others. Their behavior occurs the majority of the time, not as an isolated incident. These people have big EGO’s and take offense at the slightest criticism. This can be what you say or you setting a boundary. Either of these may not be a criticism but they perceive it that way.

Below are five specific reasons narcissists hate boundaries and why they avoid them.

1. They have a sense of entitlement and feel superior to others. Narcissistic people think limits or boundaries are beneath them. These rules may apply to other people but not to them because they are special people, who deserve special treatment. They expect favors and unquestioning loyalty. Your boundary, no matter how healthy it is, can cause them to feel offended. How dare you set a boundary with me! Don’t you know who I am?

2. They use chaos as a way to control others. Narcissistic people have to be in control. One way they do this is to either delegate or create chaos. Interestingly, when this type of person delegates work or planning to others, they often change the timing or plan at the last moment to suit them, without any regard for your schedule.

A part of their chaotic presentation is their narcissistic rage. This type of personality has difficulty controlling and regulating their anger. You will experience their outrage, a pouty silence or both. Sometimes they intentionally start drama to see what you will do. They don’t like limits because you can’t have chaotic behavior, if you have healthy boundaries.

3. They refuse to take responsibility for anything. If you assertively point out a narcissist’s poor behavior and set a limit around it, he or she will refuse to acknowledge the behavior as harmful. In fact, they may project their poor behavior onto you. Somehow it is your fault or responsibility, they have acted this way. Don’t take the bait. Either they will rage, cut you off through the silent treatment or disappear completely (ghosting you).

4. They want to be enmeshed with you. They do not know how to be a separate person. Together you are one and they like it this way. This sounds romantic but it is a recipe for disaster. A narcissist feeds off of your energy, in order to feel powerful. Their self-centeredness leads them to believe their feelings are your feelings and vice versa.

When you are enmeshed, they can control your identify, thoughts, feelings, and even opinions. The narcissist wants to mold you to give them an endless supply of whatever they need. They want you to anticipate their needs before they even speak them. This type of personality does not want you to have your own sense of self.

5. They don’t like the word, “no”– Much like a toddler, the narcissistic personality disordered person has a temper tantrum, when a limit is set on his or her behavior. They feel rejected as a person and insulted. No to them says I don’t care about you, when in fact you are saying, I don’t care for this behavior.

Exit stage left

A true narcissist is an opportunist and will use anyone to get what he or she wants. Once they see no usefulness for you to stay in their life, you will be discarded. This is when they avoid or drop you. If this person has a need for you to be in their life, he or she will attempt to manipulate your boundary in order for you to change your mind. The bottom line is, a person with narcissistic personality disorder will not respect you or your boundaries.

To learn more about boundaries here are two blogs to read: 3 Ways to Maintain Good Boundaries and How to Stop Being Controlled and Get Empowered Learn more about Narcissistic Personalities with this blog: Why Narcissists Overreact When They Don’t Get Their Way and watch this video: When Narcissists Claim to be Empaths

Lisa Hutchison LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist and writing coach. She works for caring professionals, who want to prevent or treat compassion fatigue. Her specialty is teaching stress management, assertiveness and boundary setting. Lisa is the Amazon bestselling author of I Fill My Cup: A Journal for Compassionate Helpers and the kindle book Setting Ethical Limits for Caring & Competent Professionals. Get a FREE 10 page E-book; Why Compassionate People Run Out of Energy and What You Can Do About It at http://www.lisahutchison.net

Check out my YouTube Channel: Lisa Hutchison LMHC

Why Narcissists Overreact When They Don’t Get Their Way

Why Narcissists Overreact When They Don't Get Their Way

Narcissistic and empathic people are sensitive over feelers. Unlike an empathic person,  a narcissist lacks compassion and pushes his or her negative feelings outward onto others, whereas empaths tend to be understanding and hold back their expression.

The narcissists’ focus is protecting their ego at all costs. Their over inflated ego often gets easily bruised because everything is personal to them, whether it is or not. I have had my struggles with narcissistic people as many of you have. Today, I mostly have compassion for them because they do not feel joy or love from their heart center and this is an empty way to live.

My personal background

I grew up with a narcissist, met many others along the road of life and still interact with a few. I learned everything revolves around them. I could not make any of them happy unless I gave up my values and beliefs, which I refuse to do.

Even those who sacrifice their happiness for the narcissist, never succeed. I am here to tell you, this is not a failure on your part. The truth is narcissists are miserable people. When they feel powerless, their focus is on their negative thoughts, jealousies, and insecurities.

A narcissistic personality does not want to hear any opinion contrary to theirs and they love giving unsolicited advice. This is where I have had problems because I speak up and voice my opinion in an assertive way. To the narcissist, any opposition or conflict is aggressive to them no matter how gently you present it. When you have to assert yourself, do it in a way you can hold your head up high because they will never be happy with you.

An inability to sit with negative thoughts

A narcissist often overreacts because he or she cannot sit with any negative feeling longer than a second or two. Instead, they push their thoughts out and project them onto a targeted person. The result is you feel uncomfortable and upset being on the receiving end of one of their tirades. Remember, this is their stuff!

Please note their feelings are not more painful or special than any other person on this Earth. It is their inability to sit and process that fuels their overreactions. In order to heal and grow, you need the ability to sit, pause and process feelings/thoughts. This is how everyone regulates emotions. If you cannot sit with a feeling/thought for more than a second, you will never be able to take ownership of it or responsibility.

A person with narcissistic traits (someone who does not met the full criteria for narcissistic personality diagnosis) could learn to sit with their feelings if they were highly motivated and aware. It is rare for a narcissist to attend therapy unless their spouse, someone in their family or their employer is giving them an ultimatum to do so. Once the narcissist is in the therapy office, he or she will make everyone else at fault because of their inability to take responsibility for feelings, thoughts and actions. This is why I work with the people who have been affected by a narcissistic personality because the narcissist rarely changes.

Insecurity-Their inferiority complex

At first, you may not see the seething rage and insecurity beneath because a narcissist is full of praise. They seem confident with their highly charismatic personalities and draw people to them easily. This is how many people, including myself have been fooled.

If they feel you can be useful to them, they will love you. You will become their hero and they will sing your praises from the rooftops. As soon as you set boundaries or disagree with their opinion, you are in for a mighty fall. I have been on both sides of the equation.

Here you are, now their enemy and the insults and little digs begin. This passive aggressive behavior is destructive over time and will drain you of energy. Professionals, like myself, recommend staying away from these personalities or at least minimizing your exposure to them. If you have to be around them, take everything they say with a grain of salt.

Jealousy-Their Green Eyed Monster

If a narcissist notices you are happy he or she will come at you full force, especially if you are on their sh** list. They will try to tear you down by dragging your name through the mud to anyone and everyone who will listen. In a struggle to regain your power, you may shoot back verbally. They can dish out insults but cannot take them. When they rage, pout or give you a silent treatment, this is when their ego feels most injured and their victim side emerges. At this point, they will seek out their allies or enablers asking them; why does she hate me? I didn’t do anything to her!

If you are in a relationship personally or professionally with a narcissist, protect your energies and seek your own psychological help. You can not change their outbursts. You can empower yourself by changing your own behavior and energy.

Lisa Hutchison LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist and writing coach who works with empaths and artists. She helps professionals who often get drained from their helping efforts, recharge and rejuvenate their energies. Pick up her FREE gift 8 Simple Things That Release Chaos From Your Life Now here.

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How to forgive those who emotionally reject you

How to Forgive Those Who Emotionally Reject You

I have wanted to write about empaths and narcissists yet I didn’t know where to start. As with all writer’s block, I was overwhelmed with the subject matter because I have too much information and experience with this. One night after a dream, this blog post came together.

People who have narcissistic and/or borderline traits often give silent treatments and invalidate others. Those with narcissistic traits use these tactics as a way to control and manipulate to gain a sense of power. While those with borderline traits use these tactics out of a fear of being abandoned or rejected by others. They want to reject you before you reject them.

My experience

I grew up believing that rejection was a part of love, after all that is how I lived. I often received silent treatments and invalidation from male family members. At first, I felt hurt until I realized it was a good thing because I did not have to listen to negativity any longer.

Avoiding a pattern does not heal it. These energies translated into my early dating experiences. I attracted boyfriends who were hot and then ice cold to me. I often felt confused and attracted to them more because of this ambivalence. Luckily, I broke free from this before meeting my husband, although I have seen it a few more times through friendships and work relationships.

How to break free for good! 

#1 Become aware. Love is not painful, invalidating or rejecting. Educate yourself, talk to a therapy professional and see the reality of the relationship. One problem is if you live in a fantasy of what you want for the relationship vs. what it truly is. Write down these differences in a journal; what my relationship is and what I want. This exercise will help you gain clarity about your situation.

When others ignore, reject or invalidate you, it is a reflection of them, not you. Loving people do not go around hurting others. A loving energy wants to keep connections open, build others up and be a healing force in this world.

#2  Express Gratitude. Be thankful for the lessons learned. When you see how you have grown, you can choose to no longer repeat the pattern through other relationships.

#3 Forgive. Forgiveness is for your own inner peace and healing.  It in no way excuses inexcusable behavior. These types of relationships and wounds are difficult, be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to process.

Here is a healing statement combining how  #2 and #3 work together:

Thank you for teaching me that silent treatments, rejections and invalidations are NOT love. I now choose to forgive ___________________(insert name) and release you into the light. I NOW attract healthy, loving relationships.

You may need to repeat and write this several times to connect your logical mind to your feeling mind. When you feel the tears, let them flow and experience a sense of peace inside of yourself. You are done.

You may also want to read these additional blogs:

Are you making up stories?

How to Recognize Manipulation & Protect Your Energy 

How to Successfully Deal with Passive Aggressive Behavior

Lisa Hutchison LMHC works specifically with sensitive healers who want to recharge and refuel their energies from challenging relationships such as these through phone counseling and angel card readings.

I will address your specific situation as we come up with a step by step plan to empower you for a future interaction. The more you step into your power, you will deal more successfully with this type of relationship dynamic without getting drained. To break free from the chaos of relationship dynamics go to www.lisahutchison.net and help yourself to 8 Simple Things that Release Chaos from your Life Now!