Why narcissists avoid you and your boundaries

One surefire way to know if you are dealing with a narcissistic personality is to set a boundary. If the person has an angry outburst or gives you the silent treatment, that is your answer. People who are mentally healthy keep the lines of communication open, respect and honor other’s limits.

What is a narcissistic personality?

In a nut shell, a person with a narcissistic personality disorder has an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for excessive attention and admiration, relationships problems, and a lack of empathy for others. Their behavior occurs the majority of the time, not as an isolated incident. These people have big EGO’s and take offense at the slightest criticism. This can be what you say or you setting a boundary. Either of these may not be a criticism but they perceive it that way.

Below are five specific reasons narcissists hate boundaries and why they avoid them.

1. They have a sense of entitlement and feel superior to others. Narcissistic people think limits or boundaries are beneath them. These rules may apply to other people but not to them because they are special people, who deserve special treatment. They expect favors and unquestioning loyalty. Your boundary, no matter how healthy it is, can cause them to feel offended. How dare you set a boundary with me! Don’t you know who I am?

2. They use chaos as a way to control others. Narcissistic people have to be in control. One way they do this is to either delegate or create chaos. Interestingly, when this type of person delegates work or planning to others, they often change the timing or plan at the last moment to suit them, without any regard for your schedule.

A part of their chaotic presentation is their narcissistic rage. This type of personality has difficulty controlling and regulating their anger. You will experience their outrage, a pouty silence or both. Sometimes they intentionally start drama to see what you will do. They don’t like limits because you can’t have chaotic behavior, if you have healthy boundaries.

3. They refuse to take responsibility for anything. If you assertively point out a narcissist’s poor behavior and set a limit around it, he or she will refuse to acknowledge the behavior as harmful. In fact, they may project their poor behavior onto you. Somehow it is your fault or responsibility, they have acted this way. Don’t take the bait. Either they will rage, cut you off through the silent treatment or disappear completely (ghosting you).

4. They want to be enmeshed with you. They do not know how to be a separate person. Together you are one and they like it this way. This sounds romantic but it is a recipe for disaster. A narcissist feeds off of your energy, in order to feel powerful. Their self-centeredness leads them to believe their feelings are your feelings and vice versa.

When you are enmeshed, they can control your identify, thoughts, feelings, and even opinions. The narcissist wants to mold you to give them an endless supply of whatever they need. They want you to anticipate their needs before they even speak them. This type of personality does not want you to have your own sense of self.

5. They don’t like the word, “no”– Much like a toddler, the narcissistic personality disordered person has a temper tantrum, when a limit is set on his or her behavior. They feel rejected as a person and insulted. No to them says I don’t care about you, when in fact you are saying, I don’t care for this behavior.

Exit stage left

A true narcissist is an opportunist and will use anyone to get what he or she wants. Once they see no usefulness for you to stay in their life, you will be discarded. This is when they avoid or drop you. If this person has a need for you to be in their life, he or she will attempt to manipulate your boundary in order for you to change your mind. The bottom line is, a person with narcissistic personality disorder will not respect you or your boundaries.

To learn more about boundaries here are two blogs to read: 3 Ways to Maintain Good Boundaries and How to Stop Being Controlled and Get Empowered Learn more about Narcissistic Personalities with this blog: Why Narcissists Overreact When They Don’t Get Their Way and watch this video: When Narcissists Claim to be Empaths

Lisa Hutchison LMHC is a licensed psychotherapist and writing coach. She works for caring professionals, who want to prevent or treat compassion fatigue. Her specialty is teaching stress management, assertiveness and boundary setting. Lisa is the Amazon bestselling author of I Fill My Cup: A Journal for Compassionate Helpers and the kindle book Setting Ethical Limits for Caring & Competent Professionals. Get a FREE 10 page E-book; Why Compassionate People Run Out of Energy and What You Can Do About It at http://www.lisahutchison.net

Check out my YouTube Channel: Lisa Hutchison LMHC

27 thoughts on “Why narcissists avoid you and your boundaries

  1. So, so true, Lisa! I am in the middle of a break-up with a narcissist! It is someone I thought I could not eliminate from my life…wow…I was so controlled!! It has not been easy, but IT IS SO WORTH IT!! I now know it is okay to take care of myself and being abused by the narcissist is not that! It is funny how they put up a fight…pull out every possible tool from their box…AND THEN THEY MOVE ON! On to the next person they can abuse. My first reaction was to warn this person, but the sickness in this family runs so deep that she now feels “special” because he has set his sights on her. To sit back and watch the manipulation is one of the most difficult things to do, but she made it clear that she does not need my help….
    UGH!!!
    Ok…on to something nicer…I wish you and your family a super wonderful 2021!! May it be filled with promise and realized dreams! ❀

    Liked by 3 people

    • Dear Lorrie,
      I am glad you saw the relationship clearly and had the inner strength to leave. It is very difficult being around someone with a narcissistic illness. They pull out all the stops in the beginning of a relationship and the end, to make you feel special, otherwise known as “love bombing.” I too have been there with various family relationships and friendships. I found a few of these relationships especially difficult to walk away from. It was for the best.

      With your friend, I have found we can only see what we are ready to see. Once you see it, it is impossible to ignore!

      Thank you! I wish you a wonderful 2021, filled with fulfilling, healthy relationships.

      Many Blessings to you and your family,
      Lisa xoxo

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You are spot on point Lisa, with their traits, having had some first hand experience in dealing with them.
    Just want to wish you a very happy new earth year Lisa.
    May our wisdom grow, as we open our hearts as we follow our intuitive thoughts. As we all set our boundaries in 2021. To awaken to the truth which all of us inherently know. Right from wrong action.
    Stay blessed Lisa. Also loved your videos my friend πŸ˜ŒπŸ™πŸ’› much love Sue πŸ™β€οΈ

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hi Lisa. Often times people who act in this way have been injured, in their body, in their spirit, in their soul, in their heart. It is a landslide when it hits the person’s mind. Forgiveness, and surrounding that person in the light as well as sending them light and love often work. As well as prayers, in any way that you pray. Give it to God. We are all children of the light. When we see something like that occur we are known to give it to God. Peace and blessings. I wrote an article today regarding boundaries as well. Much love to you. With more light and love for this world. Thank you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I’ve long suspected that a certain member of my family has narcissistic tendencies, and your post confirms it. Funny but I never thought about this person in connection to boundaries, but it all makes sense. Thanks for explaining and sharing this information.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I had to read your post twice, Lisa, because the traits sounded so familiar to a couple of people I’ve known in the past and literally had to get rid off for the sake of my peace of mind. At the time I felt they were selfish but it seems that was just the tip of the ice berg and yes, they didn’t like the word No or being refused something they wanted. Boundaries are so important.

    Liked by 2 people

    • I am glad this post was helpful for you, Vatsala. Relationships are very complex. Compassionate people can be vulnerable to other’s narcissistic behaviors. Yes, this is why boundaries are so important.
      Many Blessings
      Lisa

      Like

    • Hi Jen,
      This makes sense. People with narcissistic personalities gravitate towards jobs in which they hold power, which includes healthcare. This is why it is important to listen to your gut instinct with everyone you meet.
      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experience.
      Blessings,
      Lisa

      Liked by 1 person

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