I have wanted to write about empaths and narcissists yet I didn’t know where to start. As with all writer’s block, I was overwhelmed with the subject matter because I have too much information and experience with this. One night after a dream, this blog post came together.
People who have narcissistic and/or borderline traits often give silent treatments and invalidate others. Those with narcissistic traits use these tactics as a way to control and manipulate to gain a sense of power. While those with borderline traits use these tactics out of a fear of being abandoned or rejected by others. They want to reject you before you reject them.
My experience
I grew up believing that rejection was a part of love, after all that is how I lived. I often received silent treatments and invalidation from male family members. At first, I felt hurt until I realized it was a good thing because I did not have to listen to negativity any longer.
Avoiding a pattern does not heal it. These energies translated into my early dating experiences. I attracted boyfriends who were hot and then ice cold to me. I often felt confused and attracted to them more because of this ambivalence. Luckily, I broke free from this before meeting my husband, although I have seen it a few more times through friendships and work relationships.
How to break free for good!
#1 Become aware. Love is not painful, invalidating or rejecting. Educate yourself, talk to a therapy professional and see the reality of the relationship. One problem is if you live in a fantasy of what you want for the relationship vs. what it truly is. Write down these differences in a journal; what my relationship is and what I want. This exercise will help you gain clarity about your situation.
When others ignore, reject or invalidate you, it is a reflection of them, not you. Loving people do not go around hurting others. A loving energy wants to keep connections open, build others up and be a healing force in this world.
#2 Express Gratitude. Be thankful for the lessons learned. When you see how you have grown, you can choose to no longer repeat the pattern through other relationships.
#3 Forgive. Forgiveness is for your own inner peace and healing. It in no way excuses inexcusable behavior. These types of relationships and wounds are difficult, be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to process.
Here is a healing statement combining how #2 and #3 work together:
Thank you for teaching me that silent treatments, rejections and invalidations are NOT love. I now choose to forgive ___________________(insert name) and release you into the light. I NOW attract healthy, loving relationships.
You may need to repeat and write this several times to connect your logical mind to your feeling mind. When you feel the tears, let them flow and experience a sense of peace inside of yourself. You are done.
You may also want to read these additional blogs:
How to Recognize Manipulation & Protect Your Energy
How to Successfully Deal with Passive Aggressive Behavior
Lisa Hutchison LMHC works specifically with sensitive healers who want to recharge and refuel their energies from challenging relationships such as these through phone counseling and angel card readings.
I will address your specific situation as we come up with a step by step plan to empower you for a future interaction. The more you step into your power, you will deal more successfully with this type of relationship dynamic without getting drained. To break free from the chaos of relationship dynamics go to www.lisahutchison.net and help yourself to 8 Simple Things that Release Chaos from your Life Now!
Thanks for this Lisa, you’re right, it’s often not enough to just recognise the situation, you have to do the work to clear the effect of the behaviour on you. Thanks for sharing the affirmation
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You are welcome Lottie. Although it is a difficult situation, the best way to heal it is through it. Thanks for stopping by to comment.
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Thank you Lisa… such an important post… And very important to recognise.. Like you our upbringing conditions us, and it wasn’t until way into my adult years that I began to put labels and terms to those personalities that my Mother would exhibit.. Needless to say it took also years in which to peel off those layers that led one to believe you were unworthy and worthless,
And those layers are still even today being peeled, as we learn to forgive those who wounded us..
Many thanks for sharing, and yes, a difficult subject to cover but you did it admirably. 🙂
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You are welcome Sue. With these types of interactions and relationships there are many layers to heal. Thank you Sue for sharing your experience and for the compliment. I appreciate it.
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Your welcome xx
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Thanks for tackling this difficult subject, Lisa! I love this: “A loving energy wants to keep connections open, build others up and be a healing force in this world.” Yes, indeed.
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You are welcome Laurie. Let’s focus on love!
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I love the healing statement you share and the reminder that forgiveness is for our own healing.
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Thank you Rachel. Many feel they are given in or giving up something to forgive. We only give up resentment and anger which can harm our health over time.
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Once upon a time, I believed that silence was an ally for peacekeeping. Yet, found resentment would brew not only for me, but for another who needed for me to use my voice. So, happy to speak up even if my voice quivers. xoxo
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It is important to release resentment Natasha, as it only harms our health and relationships.
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This is a topic I hear about much more these days. A few years ago I had an experience with a borderline. Out of nowhere (in my eyes and my husbands) she ended our friendship with extreme anger – for no apparent reason. I was shocked. When I found out she had borderline personality disorder, it all made sense. She hid it well, but as with a narcissist, eventually their true colors will rise to the surface. Your advice is wise – forgiveness is our own healing. xo
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You are welcome Debra. We all have our stories of surprise and shock when a person reveals these types of behaviors to us. Thanks for sharing your personal experience with this topic. xx
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Once we realize that it’s never about us, forgiveness comes more easily. Lovely post.
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Thank you Barb. Yes, forgiveness is for us not about us.
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Thank you Lisa for your insightful post. I just forgave and released a 10 year client who had borderline personality disorder. After 10 years of serving her as an intuitive therapist, she ended our relationship in an aggressive and hurtful way. This kind of situation is hard on an empathic person such as I but I was able to bless and release her in love and white light.
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You are welcome Debra. 10 years is along time to have a connection with anyone and an ending such as you describe would feel hurtful. Sometime, I wonder if clients believe therapists don’t have feelings or care as deeply as we do about them. I am glad you are finding healing with that situation. Thank you for sharing your personal experience.
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Appreciating the depth and breadth of this statement which I will memorize: “Thank you for teaching me that silent treatments, rejections, and invalidations are NOT love. I now choose to forgive ___________________(insert name) and release you into the light. I NOW attract healthy, loving relationships.”
YES!
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Thank you Lore. I am glad this healing statement resonated with you. I felt strongly to include it in this blog post.
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I had a home care client/friend who did that to me a few times before she died, and I let it bother me! In hindsight, I would have said, “okay, good bye, I am leaving for awhile! I don’t need this, Anita!!”
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That is a difficult situation Kathleen and it would bother anyone. I hope you continue your healing for yourself now that friend has now passed. Thank you for sharing your personal experience.
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Some good reflections, Lisa. Thank you. Good energy your way.
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Thank you Debra and you are welcome!
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Lisa your advice here is just so perfect! I especially love the healing statement. Very powerful. Thank you for sharing your wisdom here.
xoxo, Z~
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Thank you Zeenat. I am glad the healing statement resonated with you. xx
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The silent treatment is terrible. I’ve promised myself I will never be someone again who does this!
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Being ignored does a lot of damage. I am with you, I will not continue any relationship that has this behavior in it. Thanks for stopping by Christy!
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Thank you. Im so glad i have seen your post. It was just what i needed
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You are welcome anempathslife, I am glad you connected with the message you needed. Thanks for commenting.
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Hi Lisa, I have nominated you for The Liebster Award, please check this out
https://keepahappyheartblog.wordpress.com/2017/11/02/the-liebster-award/
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Thank you so much, I am honored you thought of me and my blog!
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Of course! I love it and you deserve the recognition…😄
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“When others ignore, reject or invalidate you, it is a reflection of them, not you.” This is so true! Thank you.
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You are welcome. It feels so personal when others ignore, reject or invalidate you, yet it isn’t. That can be a tough one to wrap your head around. Thanks for stopping by to comment.
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My pleasure, Lisa. Thanks again. Great to meet you. ~ Karen
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